![]() ![]() Because that unease led me to living a life I’m actually happy to be living. And I’m so glad I trusted that unease when it came to the idea of taking my own life. It’s given me the strength and determination to carry on.Īnd despite the way I was feeling at the time, I’m so glad I Googled that question. There are still bad days, and I know there always will be.īut knowing that I got through this truly difficult time in my life gives me the motivation to get through any other bad moments again. But I hadn’t picked apart my life to realize why.Īd revenue keeps our community free for you I still suffer with mental illness. The reason I thought I was just existing was because I really was. To look at how things could get better if I attempted to make changes. And because I had felt so low, so numb and empty, I hadn’t actually taken a step aside to really and truly look at this. My mind had been clouded by the anxiety, despair, monotony, and a relationship that was slowly destroying me. It told me that if these people, like me, were still here - despite feeling all the same feelings - I could stay, too.Īnd maybe, I hoped, that meant that deep down, we all wanted to hold on to see if things could get better. And answers meant we wanted to know what to do with our feelings instead of ending our lives. We had all typed in the question with one expectation: answers. A lot of people knew what it was like to not want to be here anymore but not want to die. Scrolling through post after post, I realized that actually, a lot of people understood. No one ever really explained how to cope with suicidal ideation, particularly when you don’t really want to die. At the end of my rope, I turned to Google. The nothingness, combined with the same daily routine and toxic relationship, made my life feel utterly worthless. It was a huge turning point, going from feeling everything at once to feeling nothing at all.Īnd, in all honesty, I think the nothingness was worse. I experienced a constant feeling of dread in my stomach, tension headaches, body tremors, and nausea.Īd revenue keeps our community free for you This had been taking over my life for so long until, all of a sudden, I snapped. I had been suffering with severe anxiety caused by PTSD for several months, which had escalated to daily panic attacks. Things had been going downhill for a long time. There was a chance that a part of me thought that things could get better.īut it wasn’t going to be easy. If that tiny bit of unease was still there, there was a chance I’d be making the wrong decision. And so I held on to that to keep me going, that little glimmer of uncertainty every time I thought about ending my life. What if I attempted to kill myself and it went wrong? What if it went right, but in the last few moments of my life I realized I had made a mistake and regretted it? What exactly happens after I die? What happens to the people around me? Could I do that to my family? Would people miss me?Īnd these questions would eventually lead me to the question, do I really want to die? So many questions would run through my head when I thought about actually ending my life. I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts, suicidal feelings, urges to hurt myself, and feelings of despair.īut there was one thing contradicting that: I was scared to die. I wondered what would happen after I died. ![]() ![]() I started to imagine what people’s lives would be like without me in it. Why continue living if I didn’t actually feel like I was alive? Sign up And I questioned what the point in that was, exactly. ![]()
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